Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

We pick up where we left off in Double Love, maybe a day or two later. Jess gets dressed, complains, and we rehash the end, where Jess is thrown in the pool and Enid shows up crying. Jess has a grand plan to make Bruce Patman fall in love with her. She just has to win Prom Princess or some crap like that. And he has to be King, and THEN he’ll realize they’re meant to be. Of course. When I win Miss Fredericksburg, then the boys will come a’runnin’. Ew.

And Enid has a secret! Oh, like the title! Creative! She’s crying and flipping her proverbial shit and Liz is all, Enid, let’s make cookies! Oh, good idea Liz, let’s teach emotional eating. Liz finally pries Enid’s secret past out of her. Apparently, about 2 years ago, she fell in with the wrong crowd and was a drunk junkie, all strung out on heroin on the outskirts of town. Or something like that. Anyway, she met George Wallace (and ha, I think George is an all around silly name) and they got wasted one night (and she was…14 then? OK.) and he was driving (so many lessons in one book!) and they hit a kid. The kid was fine, and so were they, but Enid sure did learn her lesson and immediately cleaned up her act. George was sent off to some boarding school for troubled kids or something like that, but had a harder time picking up the pieces of his broken life, shattered like the bones of so many children that are HIT BY CARS, GEORGE. So Enid’s been writing him letters back and forth, encouraging him to pull it together, which is so cute, because I bet postage still cost, like, 26 cents. And she wrote the letters on her typewriter! Ha! I love the 80’s. Speaking of which, did VH1 include Sweet Valley High in any of the I Love the 80’s shows? If not, I feel like that was a major oversight.

So Enid is scared her boyfriend, Ronnie, is going to get mad at her and dump her for writing letters to George and she loves Ronnie just too much for that to happen. OK, w-t-f these books and love? Liz loved Todd before they even had a date, and Enid’s in love with Ronnie, and Jessica loves everyone. Now I hear a lot of people say that people throw the word “love” around too carelessly, so I’m take a leap and blame Sweet Valley High for that, I think. Seriously.

Elizabeth assures her that’s ridiculous until we find out what a controlling, abusive ass Ronnie is. Like, he flipped out at Enid when she told her waiter at a restaurant not to put anchovies on her pizza, because the waiter was a GUY. No one cares that Ronnie sucks, but he totally won’t dump Enid because of George, Liz assures Enid. RIGHT. But then, the horrid news – George is coming back to Sweet Valley – and he wants to see Enid! Wait, so, they already lived in Sweet Valley when all this happened, and yet no one heard about the wasted teenagers that hit a small child with a car? Maybe she lived in Big Mesa.


Meanwhile, Jess is busy scheming to get Patman to fall in love with her. So after some whining to Mama Wakefield, who is actually home for once, about Liz’s spending too much time with Enid she rushes upstairs and throws herself on Liz’s bed, because hers is too messy…where she finds the letter from George that Enid dropped! This is too good to pass up, and can totally help her get Bruce, so she rushes to make a copy of the letter on her dad’s copy machine. Also, yeah, right, because you know he just had a mimeograph. Copy machine, my backside, Wakefields. And, scene.

So Liz, Todd, Enid, and Ronnie are at the movies, but Ronnie’s acting strange. Enid thinks something is up but can’t tell. Ronnie’s quiet. Liz waxes poetic about her perfect relationship with Todd. Ronnie and Enid leave the movie together and go “park somewhere,” and ok, this kind of place is in every book ever. Every town has a “point” but if my hometown did? I did not know. Must have been too busy reading this crap to be in the know. Ronnie attacks Enid and they make out for probably 1 second before she’s all dude, cool down. And then he starts flipping out about George. The letters! He knows! He dumps Enid. She can’t comprehend how life can go on without a douchebag like this, and is certain Elizabeth is to blame. OK, it’s only book 2 and I KNOW Elizabeth isn’t too blame. Remember, she has the ponytail. You can ALWAYS trust a ponytail. Always.

Well, I guess Enid doesn’t know the hard and fast ponytail rule as well as I do, ‘cause she blames Liz and tells her how much she sucks. Liz is shocked seeing as she HAS A PONYTAIL and didn’t do anything wrong. Jess feigns shock when Liz tells her what happens and totes wants to help. So she goes to a party at Lila’s to talk to Bruce. After some wine (martinis in the re-release…really? Wine isn’t timeless?) and hearing Bruce won’t be attending the upcoming dance – there are dances every week in Sweet Valley, obvs, why do you think it’s so TOTALLY SWEET- she decides to talk to Ronnie instead.

Ronnie is grumping around the party over Enid so Jess decides to “help” and asks him about his bad mood. He bitches about Enid and George, and Jess is sooo sympathetic. So sympathetic that she suggests they go to the dance together – as friends, of course. Ronnie reluctantly agrees, but in the re-release, he is sleazy and asks Jessica. Which, honestly, is very strange, because isn’t that kind of a step BACK? Whatever, I can’t start expecting logic at this point, can I?

So we’re back to school and the Mrs. Dalton/Ken Matthews rumor at school. This subplot is dumb. Mrs. Dalton is late, so it must be because she’s totes doing Ken. No other good explanation! There’s a bunch of gossip about whether or not they’re doing it, and finally Mrs. D shows up looking tired…from all the sexing, of course. They enter the classroom and someone has written “IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS, ASK KEN MATTHEWS” Mortified, Mrs. D runs out. In the re-release, someone has photoshopped Mrs. D’s and Ken’s heads on a picture of a naked couple in bed. Ah, technology. After Mrs. D’s departure, Liz runs into Enid and tries to start a conversation, but Enid won’t have any of it, so Jess tries to comfort her at lunch. Liz is eating corn chips and isn’t even hungry…better watch out or she might end up size 7. THE HORROR. Jess says she’ll talk to Enid. That Jessica Wakefield, always helping!

So Jess bolts off to talk to Enid and starts out with this gem: “I know how you feel…Well, actually, I’ve never been dumped by anyone, but I can imagine what it’s like! You must feel awful!” Whatever, Jess, I seem to remember you got dumped LAST BOOK (so…last week? Month?) by one TODD WILKINS. Enid swears to never forgive Liz, even if they live to be ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE. But if they hit 200, all bets are off. High school betrayals are forgiven on the 200th birthday. Like America. We forgave the British on the bicentennial. Right? ISN’T THIS HOW HISTORY WORKS?

Anyway, soon enough Liz finds out Jess is going to the dance with Ronnie and is surprised. Really? Why? Totally a Jessica move. It even says on the cover of the book “What Jessica wants, Jessica gets – even if someone gets hurt!” So…yeah. Jess swears she is going with Ronnie FOR Enid, so she can get them back together. Oh Jess, such a martyr. Oh, this will help Liz, too, because if Enid and Ronnie get back together, she’ll forgive Liz. That Jessica, always helping others. What a Girl Scout. Someone give this girl a merit badge. Well, maybe a try-it. That Girl Scout joke only makes sense to former Girl Scouts. My bad.

Finally, Liz gives in and confesses to Mr. Collins, the Robert Redford of the high school faculty (re-release – “an actor”). He listens and tells Liz to be aware of Enid’s pain but know that Enid will forgive her – “Because the people we love, who love us, are the ones who will forgive us later when it all blows over.” Right. So he advises Liz that she probs has not thought through all the possible scenarios. Just maybe someone else told Ronnie about the letters. Elizabeth reverts back to her Christine Davenport fangirl days and plays detective…Winston! Must have been Winston. Sigh. Oh, Liz.

Oh, more Mrs. D. This plot is so unnecessary. Apparently Mr. Collins also likes her, so he defends her. Does this chick have beer-flavored nipples? Jesus. Mr. Fowler, Ken Matthews, and Mr. Collins? Woman, have a nap.

So Liz goes to talk to Winston and solve the case! But Winston, of course, didn’t have anything to do with it. Meanwhile, Todd is practicing his basketball skills and, “even with his shirt stuck to his chest in sweaty patches, Todd looked beautiful to Elizabeth.” And, EW. So Liz and sweaty Todd go to Dairi Burger. She looks sad and Todd asks why, since, after all, the most fantastic guy is taking her to the dance! “Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?” She asks. HA. HA HA HA HA. (Re-release: Jake Gyllenhall). Burt Reynolds is funnier though. They talk MORE about her and Enid and their fight and she talks about how she loves his firm and gentle kisses. I bet that’s not the only thing that’s firm and gentle with Todd. Ok, too far. Sorry.

Crisis! The twins can’t go to the dance if they don’t clean their rooms! Mom said. Wait, when the hell did Alice Wakefield get back? She breezed through the house once this week to give them this order? Nice. Well, Liz’s room is already neat but Jess’s is a mess so Jess finally goes to her own room to clean, and Liz starts straightening up a bit (What, Alice comes through with a white glove? She’s not Danny Tanner) when she sees it – George’s letter! In her room! And it all comes together…It was Jessica! There it is. Finally. Clarity.

Ah, the plots converge. Enid shows up at Mrs. D’s apartment. Okay, creepy. Look, I was close to my teachers in high school, but I never thought I should just waltz on over and knock on their door. Mrs. D is a replacement for Enid’s own mother so Enid is going to pour out her heart. Jesus CHRIST, you had a fight with a friend, nobody DIED, Enid. Mrs. D advises Enid to actually listen to Liz, since it makes ZERO sense that Liz would do such a thing to Enid and suddenly Enid relents and is going to do so. But then Mrs. D reveals she may resign due to gossip, and Enid flies into another rage and storms out. Is she back on drugs? Settle.

Enid’s decided to go to the dance alone, and while she’s getting ready the doorbell rings. Enid’s mom comes to tell Enid it’s for her. Must be Ronnie! Or not. It’s George! And he’s hot and sexy now, of course, and he’s wearing a suit, so they head to the dance. And he kisses her. Things move fast – and stop suddenly - in good old Sweet Valley…’cause we all know George is not getting to second base…probably ever.

And, Jess’s outfit: “a slinky red silk formal with a wide embroidered belt and black sandal heels” Cute… Liz is busy ironing the ruffled hem of her dress. Oh. Sad. And Liz has a sneaky plan to get even with Jess that is yet to be revealed. Dana is belting out a “Steamy Linda Ronstadt song.” Okay. And Mrs. D shows up! With her head held high. Like she told Enid to do. Ah. Full circle. And Enid shows up w/ George. Liz is dying for the scoop but scared Enid will snub her, but, of course, Enid walks up first to fix their friendship. Aaaand, fixed. And it’s time to vote! What could Liz’s plan be?

And Jess wins! So OBVS Bruce will too, as everyone knows he is the cutest boy in school! Then her evil plan will be complete. But Liz’s plan works perfectly, and Winston wins. Love it. This, of course, means she is stuck with Winston at all school events for the rest of the semester. OH NO. Liz reveals she knows the truth and Jess threatens to resign as queen – and Liz counter-threatens to tell the whole school what Jess did to Enid. Jess knows that would be bad news, and she relents. Liz wins again. As always. Doesn’t good always triumph over evil? I’m telling you, it’s the ponytail. Read more...

Cross my heart

I swear, Secrets will be up tonight or tomorrow. I swear on Elizabeth's virginity.

In the meantime, check out these original scripts for the SVH tv shows.
http://www.thoughtprod.com/sweet.html
Here's my favorite stage direction:

"Bronzed hunk RUSS FRANKLIN, with hair cut just long enough to be dangerous, stacks video gear onto an AV cart"

How long is long enough to be dangerous? Can he make nooses out of his hair? Can he tie it in a knot, can he tie it in a bow? Read more...