Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love

I think the hardest thing about this challenge is trying to forget that I already know what happens. And that a lot of Sweet Valley Kids/Twins books went back and had similar plotlines to the SVH books. So here we are, meeting Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, and they’re going to fight about Todd Wilkins. I like how this is new, too, because I distinctly remember the Sweet Valley Kids books having the exact same characters, just about 8 years younger. So Jess and Liz knew Todd back in the day, okay? He probably chased them at recess and they gave themselves cooties shots against his very touch so don’t front like he’s newly discovered, Francine. I want continuity. If he’s supposed to have recently blossomed into a basketball hunk, then when those Kids books were written, there should have been no Todd Wilkins. Obviously. Am I going to have to explain everything?

Anyway. We start off with Jess complaining about how fat and ugly she is, immediately followed by the description that was standard in every single Sweet Valley book and okay, the BSC did this too and I always just had to skip these pages because I wasn’t NEW and so I knew what was going on. But this is the beginning, and we’re all new, so in case you forgot what the twins look like:

“Both girls had the same shoulder-length, sunstreaked blonde hair, the same sparkling blue eyes, the same perfect skin. Even the tiny dimple in Elizabeth’s left cheek was duplicated in her younger sister –younger by four minutes. Both girls were five-foot-six on the button and generously blessed with all-American good looks. Both wore exactly the same size clothes, but they refused to dress alike.”

Of course blahblah Jessica is not fat, and nobody cares, Liz has the ponytail, characters established. The phone rings and oh! It’s Todd Wilkins, the hunky basketball star! He wants to talk to Elizabeth but Jessica lies (that scamp!) so she can talk to Todd, since she loves him so much. Liz is upset Todd wanted to talk to Jess (even though he didn’t, and Jess is a liar!) because she felt they had really shared a moment in the cafeteria a day or two before. Well Liz, you know what boys do now after a shared moment in a cafeteria? They go post a missed connection on Craigslist. I can see it now:

You – blonde hair, ponytail, Caribbean sea-colored eyes, perfect size six. Me – brown haired, dark eyed, cute captain of the basketball team. You had the salad, I had the pizza. We made eye contact. Want to go to Casey’s?

And then someone will post back that Casey’s sucks, and someone else will pretend to be the blonde, but really be a dude, and send Todd pictures of his cock, and Liz will never ever see the ad because she has better things to do with her time then peruse craigslist. And apparently I don’t. Moving on…

Anyway, apparently back in 1984, sororities were all the rage in California high schools, and Liz and Jess have pledged the best one! With all the best girls! (And the snootiest, Liz says. Yes, snootiest. I love this.) And of course they get in, because no one rejects a Wakefield for anything. So they’re in this sorority now, but it seems otherwise unimportant and Liz has to work on the Oracle and she’s the gossip columnist, and ha! Liz? Gossip? No. Plot weakness! Anyway, she’s supposed to meet Todd under “the clock” at 5:15, and she’s running late, and apparently this school only has one clock, but she runs to meet Todd – but it’s another missed connection – she gets there just in time to see Jess steal the Fiat (AGAIN.) and drive away with Todd. Liz walks home and Steven is there! Yay Steven! I always liked Steven Wakefield, older brother extraordinaire. He was a total older brother but he was always nice to his girlfriends and whatever, that’s what I like to see. The world needs more boys that are nice to their girlfriends. So Steven’s home from State U (creative…) and he and Liz immediately start calling each other ugly, which is some weird family joke and I still think it’s dumb, and Jess hates it too, because it is, in fact, dumb. See? Jess is smart sometimes. Jess finally makes it home after gallivanting with Todd around downtown and no one really cares she stole the car or anything because she’s Jessica! High school would have been so much more fun as a Wakefield! Liz is mad, Jess pouts and apologizes insincerely, Liz forgives her. Remember that, because it will be important to every single Sweet Valley book from here on out.

But then the rumors start! Todd and Jess are dating? No! Liz is heartbroken. Jess tries to convince Todd to take her to the sorority dance (he is, of course, in the most popular frat) (again, in high school?) but he really only wants to take Liz. Then Jess runs into Rick Andover, and I do not like him instantly, and I am not really supposed to. Ricky Boy is the “bad boy” of Sweet Valley and he drives too fast and drinks too much and probably has herpes. But he sees Jessica on the corner or something and offers a ride. She plays coy but really sounds slutty and they drive around Sweet Valley and then he demands a date. He seriously uses the line “I told you: I’m used to getting, not asking. Are you saying no?” And who could resist? Jess accepts and Rick drops her off on same random corner where her Mom happens to be driving by and picks her up. Hey Alice Wakefield! Nice of you to show up! How convenient! Mrs. W doesn’t see Rick though, and Jess plays cool. Oh right, Steven’s still home and rumor has it he’s dating Betsy Martin, who we don’t know yet, but apparently does drugs. Oh no!

Jess has to get ready for her date. She finds the stupidest outfit ever and the description sounds like a business suit, but that’s what I automatically think when someone says they got a new “blouse.” But Rick doesn’t care and I know 80’s fashion sucked, but come on.

They go to Kelly’s, some stupid dive bar, and no one cards her, they just hand her a boilermaker. Rick gets drunk and suggests Miller’s Point for some “fun” and you know what, Rick? This is Sweet Valley and there will be no sexing! I’m sure he just wants to talk politics but Jess screams and throws a fit and starts a fight, and the cops show up, think she’s Elizabeth, and take her home. Caroline Pierce, SVH gossip, sees this, hears the cop call Jess Elizabeth, and immediately starts the gossip phone tree. And ok, it’s clearly dark out so it’s getting late, and this date didn’t start til 8, so it’s been at LEAST 2 hours, so it’s at least 10 pm and everyone is going to get this phone call? I don’t know about all of you but my parents flipped out if people called the house after 10 pm, and this is 1984 so there aren’t cell phones, so what the hell? I am not buying it. The cop doesn’t tell the Wakefield adults that their 16-year-old daughter was DRINKING in a BAR with a CRIMINAL because, you know, Elizabeth Wakefield is a good kid, and again, no way. When the kids in My So-Called Life got busted at that rave-thing I kind of understood that the cop didn’t tell their parents. He didn’t catch them drinking anything, he just got them away from some bad dudes. But here we have multiple misdemeanors committed by a minor and the Sweet Valley Police force is like eh, whatevs? I see alcoholism is Jessica’s future.

But whatever, the next day everyone knows about Liz, and immediately believes it, even Todd, and no, not Todd! Liz is mortified and Jess apologizes some more and blahblahblah. I have a hard time believing Jess gets away with everything she does, but I guess that happens when you have absent parents like Ned and Alice Wakefield! Somebody ought to call Nanny 911 on their asses.

Anyway, all of a sudden we have this huge issue over the Sweet Valley football field, and I’m starting to get the feeling that Sweet Valley is creepy about sports and is the kind of town where the football players could rape a retarded girl and get away with it because gosh, they play football. I mean, Liz Wakefield can get away with anything merely because she’s Liz Wakefield, so how far can the football players go? But that won’t happen. There’s no sex in Sweet Valley. So here we finally meet Ken Matthews. He’s exactly like Todd except he has blonde hair and is captain of the football team. Or quarterback. Or something. Anyway, some type of lease on the football field has expired and the Fowlers want to build a factory on it. The Patmans want to build some type of garden. God, rich people are weird. And is this even plausible? Aren’t the football fields usually part of the school grounds? I think this is so all this crap we heard about Ned and Alice being too busy having affairs to know where there kids are can almost make sense, since Ned’s the lawyer on the case!

So the students immediately storm the field for a sit-in (um, it’s 1984, not 1974) and Jessica is cheerleading now. Everyone is giving Lila and Bruce a hard time because of their dads, and Lila is mad at Jessica and says Jess is supposed to be her friend, and Jess goes “Like, I am, but” and Bruce goes, and I quote: “But, my backside!” and then I put the book down and laughed, and the comment I wrote in the margins was simply “HA I LOVE THESE BOOKS.”

ANYWAY. Someone brings up the Liz-in-a-bar-with-Rick incident. Liz is mortified but instead of setting the record straight for the whole school, Jessica is all “whatever guys, no factories! Rah rah!” and some people gossip about Ned and his coworker and their illicit affair that is just not happening and even if I had never read any Sweet Valley book before this, I could tell you that.

Then Liz and Todd ALMOST talk again, and Jess interrupts and takes Todd away and what happens next is so AWESOME I have to just type it out because when I read it I had to put the book down for a minute, and then go back and look for the part where it explained Jess was dreaming. But she wasn’t. You guys, this is what ACTUALLY HAPPENED:

“Jessica was totally amazed at what happened next. Todd Wilkins stared deeply into her eyes for a long moment, then slowly shook his head as if in wonder.

‘I’ve never heard anything so noble,’ he finally said.

‘What?’

‘You’d take the blame for your sister? Jessica, I don’t think I’ve ever known how truly special you are until this moment.’

‘But, Todd’

Todd pulled her close, holding her tightly in his strong arms for what seemed like eternity. Then he gently kissed her

[…]

‘Jessica, you’re wonderful,’ Todd said.

‘Todd, you’re the greatest guy I’ve ever met, do you know that?’

‘Listen! I’m taking you to the Phi Ep dance!’

‘What?’

WHAT IS RIGHT. This does not happen, ever. This is a joke. It has to be.

But it’s not, and Liz finds out, and has some “painful thoughts,” and agrees to go to the frat dance with Winston Egbert (yay Winston!) in an attempt to escape Bruce Patman’s creepy advances. She figures Winston can at least keep her distracted from the pain of the loss of Todd. Right.

So Liz gets home and Jess runs into the house squealing about the ridiculous events that just took place at school. Where’s Mom? Not home! Surprise! For some reason, this suddenly really upsets Jessica and she starts flipping out and then makes the best claim ever – that Todd is the most wonderful man in all 137 states! What does Jess think counts as a “state”? But mom’s not home to tell so Jess whines and screams for like 3 pages about their absent mother. This is all very endearing but I do not remember any of my friends being upset about their parents not being home when we were 16. Because we were, uh, 16! The last thing I wanted to do was tell my mom alllll about the guy I made out with in the courtyard. If that had ever happened, I would have called Lauren and locked my mom out of my room while I did so. So. Whatever, Jessica.

(Aside: I just remembered last night on the phone with Lyssa and she totally made fun of me for this blog but then admitted that she and her friend Jessica used to PRETEND to be THE WAKEFIELDS in elementary school because they were blonde and blue eyed and Lyssa went by Elizabeth then, and whatever, I love you Lyssa, but I still don’t think you can make fun of this blog with a story like that.)

So then Steven comes home in the midst of this fit and he’s upset about something, and Jessica’s freakout has escalated more so she accuses Daddy of an affair (even though Ned is at work) and Steven of dating Betsy Martin. Oops. Now Steven’s madder because he’s dating Tricia Martin and she’s great but she dumped him so now everyone’s mad and then everyone’s fine again suddenly. This is exhausting! Sheesh.

So dance night comes and Liz goes with Winston and Jess with Todd, but Todd stares longingly at Liz all night, and Liz stares longingly at Todd, and only Winston notices this, and then suddenly we find out that he has always loved Jessica, anyway. The dance ends, Liz gets home, and Jess gets home shortly after. She waits for Todd to totally do her, but he kisses her on the cheek and leaves. So she goes inside and cries to Liz that he tried to sexually assault her and you know what? I got really pissed when I read this part, because nothing makes me angrier then people claiming women are forever running around filing false rape charges and here’s Jess doing just that, except with no police report. Of course Liz is enraged and vows to never speak to Todd again and so Jess is satisfied, but I’m mad at Jessica now, so enough about her.

At school Todd makes repeated attempts to talk to Liz but she refuses, but he finally catches her on the phone. Now remember, she still thinks he tried to attack her sister. Todd starts going on about how he forgives her for going out with Rick and blahblah and she’s angrier now that he still thinks she would have done that and tells him never to speak to her again and hangs up. Poor Todd.

Meanwhile the family finally has dinner together and Ned and Alice show up, tell Steven how to fix his relationship with Tricia, and then Ned and Alice are gone again. Steven fixes his relationship with the girl he loves, and I am wondering why I never had one of my creepy crushes on Steven Wakefield.

Now it’s back to this whole football field subplot. Liz has been covering the story for the Oracle so she gets to skip school and go to the court and watch the Patman/Fowler/BOE showdown. The BOE is represented by her dad and the lawyer everyone thinks he’s having an affair with. Of course the BOE wins ands the football players carry Liz around on their shoulders like she’s personally responsible for this turn of events, but that’s not important. After some celebrating at Dairi Burger (Ha! I had forgotten Dairi Burger!) Liz sees Todd there with another girl, and she gets upset but plays it cool. Go Liz! She leaves.

Later, after a sorority meeting, the twins are driving home when they see someone following them. Who? Rick Andover, back for revenge! Oh no! He, uh, abandons his car in the middle of the road and jumps into the Fiat and speeds off with the twins. He does some circles in the Dairi Burger parking lot while Liz and Jess scream in terror. Of course Todd sees and gets in his Datsun (hee!) to chase them down. Rick is drunk and heads for Kelly’s…nooooo! The suspense builds! Rick punches Todd! Todd punches Rick! Many times! In the stomach! Rick goes down! Todd saves the day! I’m so happy.

Liz and Jess run up to Todd, but THIS time, Liz kisses Todd. Go Liz! And then Todd figures out that it really was Jess at Kelly’s the first time. Still no one has cleared up the whole “sexual assault on Jess” thing, but they do later. Liz confronts Jess about it and Jess admits she made it up but only to protect Liz from Todd! But it’s not important anymore because Liz and Todd are in love. Oh yes, in love. What a difference a day makes.

But sweeter than new love is revenge on Jess! Todd and Liz conspire to get her dunked in the Sweet Valley High pool by exposing Liz as the Oracle gossip columnist. Except they make Jess dress like Liz and so she gets thrown in by mistake! OH THE HILARITY.

So then there’s some blahblahblah twins share a bond for life, and something is wrong with Enid…but that’s all in book #2…Secrets.

So that’s our first recap. We have no established format or anything yet, I just mostly rambled. So… what do you like? What don’t you like? Too long? I am really having so much fun with this already, so I hope everyone enjoyed it…